All Kinds of Beer Bottles

The neighborhood should have been dark. Should have been. The moon was brilliant, but the clouds hid it just as well as the stars. Rain misted and swirled in the breeze. The summer heat was still fighting to hold dominance over the coolness of the night. The rain was actually welcomed by those huddled in what should have been a dark, if not exactly stormy, night.

But the light was pretty much over whelming. Each police car had a blue and a red beacon shouting across the spectrum. There were over a dozen cars arrayed down the street. So many that they represented the pecking order of the officers who drove them. The newest, sleekest cruisers with the lights aerodynamically and deceptively woven into the fabric of the cars were reserved for the senior lot who got first pick of the newest models.

So it went all the way down to the almost anachronistic "bubble gum" machines on the tops of cars that would have been considered classics but for the fact that they were still in use - those were reserved for the newest to wear the badge. Except for the car that belonged to Jankowicz. The older, slightly pudgier than average cop had finagled to get the car he and his first partner had driven too many years ago. It was good to be the sergeant.

Up until just a few seconds ago, Jankowicz had been the most senior person on scene and as such had kept everything in check and made sure no civilians were in danger. He had also made the call to broadcast the situation far and wide so that every available unit would have the opportunity to respond. Jankowicz was not a complete fool.

Now he was not the most senior person on scene. Captain Horgan was here. Horgan was a couple of years younger than Jankowicz but had flown up the ladder. He had been a captain longer already than Jankowicz had been sergeant. But Horgan had not gone so far so fast without leaving a wake of resentment behind him. Jankowicz was not one of the many who held Horgan's ambitions against him. Jankowicz was not the type of man to care about such things.

"Jankowicz - what the devil is going on here? Its one in the morning in a middle class neighborhood and you have a battalion out here for a drunk and disorderly? What are you thinking?"

Jankowicz was not really thinking about Horgan's question. Horgan was not the type to understand the answer anyway. What Jankowicz wondered was how in the world a political animal like Horgan, who had not had to work a night shift in a decade, was aware of something, anything happening at this time of night.

Jankowicz heard the answer in his left ear. "It's Horgan. Horgan is here. Makes sense. He is doing that weather girl from channel 12 and she has that brownstone across the way over on Boynton St. You should check to see if his fly is open."

Despite himself, Jankowicz took a peek. Horgan did not notice. And his fly was up. Jankowicz had not quite gotten used to the earpiece and the sudden advent of another's voice from a far. So of course his rookie partner simply could not help herself but insinuate herself into his consciousness at awkward moments. "Well?!" shouted Horgan.

Jankowicz did his best to repress the smile that was too eager to come to his lips. "Well, Captain, its like this. The gentleman in that brown... um... fixer upper, I guess, you'd say for this neighborhood..."

"Its and eyesore Jankowicz. Get to the point."

"Well, it seems that the neighborhood housing committee - some kind of community standards group - sent three representatives over to talk to the owner, one Mr...."

Christy was in his ear again from her vantage point 3 cars over, "Josh Adams."

"Mr. Adams," Jankowicz continued. "They argued. Adams told them to get off his property or he would split a beer bottle over the head of each of 'em"

"And?" asked Horgan.

"And they didn't believe him and he went back into his house, came back with 3 beer bottles and, get this, as they ran from the house, ran mind you, nailed each one of them in the head with a beer bottle."

Horgan just stared. Jankowicz continued, "They weren't really hurt but called us. The first two on scene each took a beer bottle to the head from at least 30 feet. The next two showed up and he nailed them plus one of the first two guys taking a second shot. This time none of them closer than 40 feet at most. The one guy who had hung back to get the bleeding above his eye to stop said it was the most amazing thing he had ever seen. It would have been a big deal if the guy was sober but this guy is slurring his words and at least one of the guys with binocs thinks he may have pissed himself at some point."

Horgan just stared at Jankowicz. "By this point Christy and I are the next ones on the scene and she gets all over eager like rookies do...."

"HEY!" - right in his ear.

The squelch from the radio made him wince but Jankowicz continued, "So sure enough, she took one right off the noggin that sent her sprawling - she's back over there with one of those no-freeze ice packs on the knot on the side of her head."

Jankowicz stopped to take a breath and Horgan hissed a question,"Why the hell haven't you arrested him then? All he has is beer bottles? Geezus man, why do you have everybody out here with the world lit up?"

Jankowicz looked at Horgan. Every thought he had ever had about Horgan and the total lack of imagination required to play the political games required to hopscotch up the ladder was pretty much confirmed by Horgan's inability to grasp this situation. "Captain - he hasn't missed!"

Horgan just stared at the idiot Sergeant in front of him.

"As word got out and more and more cars showed up and some overly ambitious douche jumped out and ran to his front porch - POW - right in the kisser. He hasn't missed a single one.
Christy - how many is he up to now 30 - 31?"

"36" from his left ear.

"Thirty-six in a row! Thirty-six?"

"Some of the first guys tried twice," stated Christy - conveniently leaving herself out of the "some of the first guys" even though she had two knots on her head now.

Jankowicz shook his head, "Captain, you don't take a pitcher out when he is throwing a no hitter - with all due respect to Bobby Cox and Kent Mercker."

Horgan's eyes were wide but he found he could not talk. Jankowicz continued. "We started organizing the folks that arrived. We sent four up at once from different directions and he still nailed them. Some guys wanted to go up to five but the first two guys on the scene barked at that. They felt like, and I agree with them, that would make things too easy for the folks charging the porch."

"Too easy..." echoed Horgan, "for the POLICE!"

Jankowicz squirreled up his face and looked at Horgan like he was a moron. "Well, yeah. After we put on the helmets and the shooting googles, he really can't hurt us. Now its just a matter of skill."

Horgan looked at him, slack-jawed. "Captain, he is a perfect 36 for 36! That alone is amazing! And then you have to wonder where he got all the beer bottles and then it starts to become supernatural. "

Christy jumped in his ear again, "And the types of beer bottles! He had Miller and Bud and all the light varieties. But he has craft beers that I have never heard of and he has 7 ounce bottles and 12 ounce and a couple of growlers for the big guys like McGillicutty. Just being able to be so proficient with so many different sized beer bottles puts this whole thing over the top. And I just love the fact that he ain't a beer snob and will try just about anything from the looks of the glass out here."

Horgan watched as Jankowicz had gone glassy eyed while listening to his left ear and lost it. "Sergeant, you listen and you listen good, you hear me?" Horgan was waving his finger in Jankowicz's face. His own face was flush red and spittle was flying from his screaming maw. He noticed Jankowicz begin to roll his eyes and in that moment made up his mind to ruin the man - to drive him off the force all together. At the last moment he realized that Jankowicz was not rolling his eyes. He was merely looking up. Horgan turned in what felt like slow motion even to him as he started to realize what must be happening. Realization smacked him right in the face.

"37!!!!!!!!!"