(Note: This was written before the news broke about Jerry Sandusky, Bernie Fine, and now Robert Dodd - all youth leaders who have recently been accused of molestation. I wrote this weeks ago and did not want to publish it because it is harsh. I publish it now just to share my thoughts. If I offend you, please find it in you to leave a comment here or on Facebook. I would like to have an adult conversation about anything that may have provoked strong emotion.)
But why say them if you can't manage to say them nicely? Because, although I have not blogged in roughly a month, I find a need to say these things. Truly a selfish act on my part that.
Well, into it, I say.
I personally know 13 people who were sexually molested as children. These are 13 people who have told me of the abuse - not any assumptions I have made. Though, I must admit, that I have become sensitive enough to the issue that at least four of the people only confirmed what I had already guessed.
I have come to the completely unscientific belief that far, far more children are victimized than any statistic recorded anywhere would lead us to believe. It is horrible and unthinkable and unbearable. And it happens every day.
And it happens at a surprisingly young age - long before any sexual characteristics have been attained. Of the 13 people that I know, eleven of the 13 were first assaulted before the age of 5. All of them were victimized before they were nine.
I am struck by the desire of parents to have signs posted in the yards of known sex offenders stating that "there be monsters here". I understand that there are strangers out there that prey on children and drive around in creepy vans and are the literal great big bad Boogie Man. I know such monsters exist. And they are targets that protective parents can picture themselves guarding children against.
Secure your home and you can protect your children from the big bad Boogie Man. That provides comfort while allowing parents to maintain a sense that they are "realistic" about the dangers that children face.
Only one problem. Eight of the 13 people who have talked about their victimization were assaulted by their step-fathers. Two were abused by their own father. Two by their grandfather. Only one was abused by a stranger. (And Sandusky and the rest have taught us that coaches and other adults to whom we entrust our children for hours each day have been proven to be dangerous).
Scary ain't it? Scares me. Thoughts occur to me that I can't seem to put out of my head. Thoughts that I air now not because these thoughts are my hardened, firmly held beliefs but because they are ideas that are forming in my head and I am struggling to know the truth of them.
Fathers and grandfathers abusing their children - I can see no way to guard against that. But 8 of the 13 were step-fathers (some of these were Mom's live-in boyfriend, but step-dad is what they amounted to).
I wonder at our civilization's comfort with divorce. People used to stay together for the "good of the children" and today the idea of a loveless marriage damaging children has provided a convenient reason to allow adults to do exactly what they wish to do. But if parents never divorced, would predators have access to the homes in which our children sleep? Hard question. Inconvenient question. Probably even an unfair question. Anyone want to answer it?
It is easy for me to have opinions about children and childhood. I used to be a child. Some would argue (quite loudly) that in some (or even most) ways, I am still very childish.
I don't want to be a parent. I do not want the responsibility of shaping another life. I thought for a time that I did not want to be a parent because I was incredibly selfish. And there are, indeed, very selfish reasons why I do not wish to have a child.
My wife and I are able to drop everything and go wherever for a weekend of doing whatever and we never have to plan out what to do with the children. AND we have the income to do this quite often since we are not buying diapers or braces or cars or college. Our lives would be noticeably different if we had children. And not in a good way, in my opinion.
My boss was the latest to poo-poo my family's choice to remain at two. He talked about his children and the vast number of grand children he has and how I will one day change my mind about having children. His implication was that his children and grandchildren add so much worth to his life.
Me, being me, started to wonder, "What did the kid get out of this?" And that led to this thought," Parenthood is essentially one of the most selfish acts in life"
Parents chose to be parents solely for their benefit. The child, of course, has no say whatsoever in being brought into this world. None. We are all here against our will. That of course leads to all sorts of descendingly darker thoughts.
Every injury a person endures in life is the fault of the parents who chose to bring her into this world.
The death that a person suffers was made possible primarily through the efforts of his parents.
Choosing to have children is therefore a selfish decision - at least in my opinion. To compound that selfishness by making your child the 2nd or 3rd or tenth most important thing in your life is horrible. I know, I know, people will tell you again and again that their kids are the most important thing in their lives. People will tell you anything. Their actions don't lie.
Two parent households are proven to produce more well adjusted children than any other family type and yet people divorce at a horrifying rate. Time spent with your kids and being involved in their lives raises test scores, decreases the chances of drug use, and lowers the chances of teen pregnancy and yet both parents work and some of them work astoundingly long hours.
Not setting boundaries and permissiveness leads to spoiled brats who can't function in a society that will all too often tell them "NO". And yet we have parents who are too spineless to actually be parents or who seek to assuage the yearnings from their own youth by giving their kids everything no matter how much this destroys them.
Are kids really more important than the size of the house, the kind of car in the drive way, or the happiness of the parents "trapped in a loveless marriage"? If someone has children, their life should no longer be about their happiness, it should be about fashioning a fully functional adult who has learned that life is hard but has been protected from the horrors of it. I am unwilling to make that kind of sacrifice and I am honest about it and I have no kids. Too many people out there feel just the same as I do but they have three kids.
If you read this and are offended and angry, I guess I am sorry. If you have children and anything I have written here makes you feel guilty or angry, why? If your kids are really the most important thing in your life and you have done everything since the day they were born in their best interest, why would anything I have written here make you mad?
