Plots and Schemes

I have been thinking about this for a while and have finally decided to organize my thoughts on this issue on the printed (or posted) page. I am not the same man I was when I got married. And this has not been an accidental transformation. This has been an orchestrated plot by a mastermind of subtle pressure and conditioning. My wife has done this to me!

Let's start with some of the little things. The devil is, after all, in the details. I used to roll up my socks into little balls in my sock drawer. It was clean and efficient. They took up very little room and they were a viable option as projectile weapons if a burglar ever broke in and I could not get to the kitchen knives.

Now I fold them together. They apparently lay flatter in the drawer. And they supposedly don't stretch out and sag down your calves if you put them away this way. She also pointed out that this would keep us from having to buy new socks so soon, since we would not have to throw so many away so quickly.

I quietly scoffed at this last thought. What self-respecting male throws away socks? If they have holes, you can slide them over. As long as you are wearing shoes, they can't slide completely off your foot. And just how are you supposed to subdue a burglar with limp, droopy socks? Nobody is scared of limp, droopy socks.

And yet, I now fold my socks. I am not even sure exactly when it happened. I think I remember seeing folded socks in my sock drawer and maybe it just grew from there. But it is all such a foggy mess of a memory that I can't be sure. Could by Rohypnol.

I have book shelves. And not ones built into the apartment that you are just stuck with and not ones that have cinder blocks on each end. No. I have three separate book shelves that we went out and bought and then assembled together. And these are not the pressed sawdust, affordable jobbers you can get from Walmart either. These bad boys are real cherry wood that cost more than the all the books we have placed on them.

Now, I am a prolific reader and I have always had a ton of books around, but I have kept them the way the Archangel Gabriel told Elijah that books should be kept - in brown liquor store boxes found near a green dumpster. And this storage method, ordained by Angelic decree, had its practical side as well. When you ran out of beer money and needed to sell your books at the Half-Price Book store, they were already boxed up! And boxed up in liquor boxes - to be exchanged for beer money - the Circle of Life made manifest! Amen.

But I, like Samson, let a woman lead me into wickedness. Now our books are on shelves in the living room. They are even grouped by genre - blatant segregationist thinking. And some of them are even turned outward so that you can see the pretty covers! Some of my old liquor box books did not even have their covers any more - they were tough books made for readin'. Not pretty boy books posing on a shelf like a trollop on a street corner!

There is floss in my house. And not just that 22 inch roll that you get in the crappy gift bag from the dentist either. You know the bag - the one with the off brand toothpaste that is basil flavored. Who the heck has ever heard of basil flavored toothpaste? And the off-brand name - Crist - like we are gonna confuse that with Crest?

But back to the point - there is floss in my house. Flavored stuff too. Sometimes wintergreen or spearmint or even cinnamon. Just like the cigarette companies before them, the wax string industry keeps trying to get folks hooked on their product younger and younger and are using candy flavors to get there. And I have this stuff in my HOME!

And she only pretends to care about the environment. Don't be fooled. Every meal that we have here at home, we use PAPER napkins. That's right. After years and years of environmental responsibility, I have let her lead me into killing trees left and right. It was not always this way. For years I saved tree after tree through the use of shirt sleeves (for various food items around the area of the mouth) and pants legs (for anything left on the hand that might make my beer bottle slippery). And I was good at this. I was a master. My technique of wiping my mouth with my bare hand and then going to the pants leg while wearing a tank top is a classic move that several bars offer in a brochure. It was actually featured on the Hooters website!

And now I am just another mass murderer of trees. Again, I have no idea when this happened. I remember having a great juicy burger. The kind where it runs down your arm. I was doing my best to lick it off before it got to my elbow - you can't get squat once it reaches the dark side of your elbow - when I felt this horribly rough sensation running up my arm.

It left my arm dry and slightly red pink. Like a red-headed kid who had been out in the sun too long. And then the paper towel was sitting by my plate. Eventually it started being at the table before I was - sitting there all smug underneath my silverware. Damn it.

I own at least 12 towels. Twelve! I spent the vast majority of my single life with just 2 towels. One sat in the dirty laundry while the other hung up on the shower curtain rod drying out for the next use. Once the crust set in, you would wash it. The other one just sat in the dirty laundry. Don't know why it never got washed or used but the stinking process worked! I got out of the shower and I got dry! And it did not require a dozen towels that all matched the "color scheme" of the bathroom.

That's right. The bathroom has a "color scheme". Considering the vast majority of the things that happen in a rest room, does it really require interior design artistry? My lord, we used to crap in woods and now we have bathrooms with "color schemes". Schemes. Schemes. My God, this time she wasn't even trying to hide her manipulations, was she?

Makes you wonder why. Why would a man put up this wholesale destruction of his way of life. Why would he allow someone to lead him down these roads which man alone was never destined to travel?

Simple. She sleeps with me. :)

Proud Brother!

My middle brother and his family are now debt free but for the house! When Priscilla and I started working the plan to get free from debt, one of the things we did was buy about 10 copies of Dave Ramsey's book, The Total Money Makeover, and sent them out to several family members and family friends. We tried to be careful to not imply that anyone was getting the book because we thought poorly of their money management skills, but tried to be clear that the book had helped us and we hoped that it might help them in some way.

I have told people that once I realized that the book just made sense, I was stuck with having to follow what it said. I think that played out for my brother and his family as well. And they just went at it like junkyard dogs on a lamb shank. They started about four months after Priscilla and I did and finished about two months after we did - talk about intense! And they have two kids too - with all the expense that implies!!

They paid off the mini-van today and I just happened to be on the phone with Mark when he got home with the receipt in hand to show his wife and kids. I got off the phone pretty quick to let them have their moment, but not before I heard the excitement in their house. It was great.

They are now working on getting their big emergency fund in line and paying off the house early. Then it is college funds for the kids and their retirement plans.

This is one of many times that I wish our Dad was still around to see how his boys have turned out. Great job brother!

Do the Math - Part 2

Before I get started let me state for the record that I know I am being judgmental and that in the example cited below, I don't know all the facts. But I have an opinion anyway and you clicked on the link that brought you here so let's just go with it.

We were talking about cell phone plans and a guy (who I know makes around $10.50 per hour) tells us that he has an iphone and pays about $110.00 per month for his data plan. I don't know the guy well enough to offer financial advice and even if I did it would be a tough conversation to have. And it is a tough conversation that people need to hear. I thought the conversation was going to be about knowing what you make and what you can afford.

But it is about planning for the future. Just for the record, if you are only making $10.50 per hour, you cannot afford any luxuries and expect to retire with any kind of dignity. If your income is that low and you don't take steps to bring it up significantly, you will NEVER be able to retire and have enough cash to even approach the poverty line much less inch above it. Wasting cash on data plans that you don't need is just going to exasperate that fact.

But that kind of poor decision making goes to the lack of training and preparation that we give our young people today. I know that financial counseling or education was not even available in high school while I was going through and I can only guess that it is not any better now. Kids have no idea how much things cost and what those costs mean to their long term future. They also don't (if they are like I was) understand how to plan for their financial futures.

I think all kids could benefit from a class on basic financial planning. Just what does compound interest do to your bills when you borrow money? What can compound interest do for you if you invest money? How much wealth do wage an hour jobs (that sound lucrative when your only bill is gas for your car and your cell phone usage) really generate? How much does student loan debt act as a boat anchor for those who don't find a way to cash flow college?

One of the more common sayings now a days is "live for the moment" or "live in the moment". That is such complete horse-pucky. You have to have a plan. You have to know the rules of the game - and one of those rules is that you have to plan ahead.

So, how do you do that? Well, first thing a young person will need to determine is if they are going to need to go to college or not. College is not necessary to be successful and not everyone is cut out for college. Both of those statements need exposition.

College is not necessary for success. It is true. There are countless stories out there of people who have become multi-millionaires who have never gone to a college except when they named something after them thanks to a huge donation. If you have a particular skill or talent, you may not need college. If you are able to learn a particularly well paid trade, you don't need college.

There are a number of professions out there that pay quite well and offer great benefits if you have some sort of professional certification. And some professions only require a 2 year degree that costs much less but still allows access to higher pay and better benefits. Think about jobs like welders, plumbers, nurses, dental assistants, and such.

Now to the fact that not everyone is cut out for college. Back when I was in school, if you were not in the college preparatory classes, then you were surely a future well-fare recipient and probably were going to serve jail time of some sort. At least that was the way it was painted to us. The "good kids" or at least the "smart kids" (I am pretty sure I was not ever considered a good kid) were going to college. But that is just too simple.

Not everyone is cut out for college. And, yes, sometimes that cutoff point is based on intelligence. But I have met many intelligent people that just cannot abide the lack of practicality found in many college courses of study. But we try to fit a square peg into a round hole.

The decision of what career to pursue and whether or not to go to college can both be made much easier and much more important if we get to kids at the 7th or 8th grade level. And I want it to be in simple mathematic terms. Rent costs this much. Cars cost this much. Cars depreciate horribly. Ten dollars per hour means you make this much per year. Interest on a car loan, on a student loan, on a credit card costs you this much in interest. Saving this much per month at this rate will return you this much at your retirement age.

I have done pretty well in life despite not finishing college. I can tell you that while I was job hunting the past few months, I did find myself wishing that I had gotten my B.A. just to make the job hunt easier. But I like to think that if I had been exposed to simple money management while young, that I would have come back to it later in life - say in my early twenties.

If I had been handling my money when I was 22 like we are today, I would have retired last year. And I am not exaggerating for effect. For all the negatives out there about Walmart's pay for their Associates, I can tell you that I was 22 and my pay (even while I was still hourly) was great compared to other jobs in the area and that if I had been intentional with my money, I could have retired without ever moving into management.

Now, I know myself well enough that even if I had access to money management techniques, I would not have used them until I was a good deal older. And I like to think that sometime around 22 to 25 years of age I would have chosen to do the right thing.

But I keep meeting young people out there who are in their mid to late 20's and they are driving a car they can't afford with a phone they can't afford with credit cards they can't afford and they think the little bit they put in 401K is going to be enough along with social insecurity. I get scared on their behalf. And I don't have kids. If you do, then you need to educate them on money just as you would about sex or drugs. All three, if handled irresponsibly, can ruin a life.

He's Dead.

I remember two days after the 9/11 attacks that I was on the phone with a friend of mine and I let a cold anger free about what had been done to our country. I call it a cold anger because I was not ranting or raving or crying or breaking things. I was calm and reserved and deadly serious. I wanted to turn Afghanistan into a sheet of glass. I wanted the mountains leveled and I wanted nuclear fire to fuse the sands and cities and people into a plate of glass that stretched from border to border of the country that had welcomed bin Laden with open arms.

I meant it. I wanted every man, woman, and child and animal and farm and city - destroyed. I wanted them all gone. In ancient times there was something called Pax Romana. You never killed a Roman citizen because it was understood that Rome would send her Legions and annihilate you. I wanted that to happen then.

That feeling finally drifted away. It is not a natural thing to feel when you have been raised in a country that is built on the prospect that all people are created equal and that anyone can find greatness if they work at it hard enough. You find your self defaulting to tolerance.

Our enemies don't. There are still members of terrorist organizations that would love the chance to rain fire down on the United States. There are people out there who want to kill us because we are who we are. We do not believe as they believe. We do not act as they act. And our culture is contagious. They view it as a sickness that erodes the ancient ways.

And our culture can be exactly that. If you are a woman living in a culture where your sexual organs are mutilated or if you are executed because you ALLOW yourself to be raped and you see a country with women like Condoleeza Rice and Hillary Clinton - which side would you pick? If you could be executed for having faith in a different God than the one endorsed by the state and you see American soldiers who are Christians, Jews, and Muslims working together - which side would you pick? So it is easy to fear our culture if you have no tolerance for the thoughts and beliefs of others. We do a bad job most of the time when we try to force our way of life onto folks but then you see that the most successful capitalists out there may turn out to be the Communist Chinese and you get the idea of how pervasive our culture can be.

And now we have shown that we have resolve. We said we would do something and we did it. And I had a momentary cold anger response again - I am not a good person yet, but Christ is working on me.

I laughed when I first heard that bin Laden was dead. I cursed him to hell - and I still think he is roasting there this morning. I toasted his demise. I told my wife that I hope they soaked his body in pork fat and staked it out in the desert with a camera on it broadcasting it to Al Jazeera for the whole world to see. I wanted the 9/11 family members to have a chance to walk by and spit on the corpse.

But then I heard how the plan to take him was executed. A special team who had trained for weeks went in to kill him specifically. A concerted effort was made to avoid killing children or women. One woman was killed but she was apparently being used as a human shield. In total, the woman, two couriers, bin Laden's oldest son, and bin Laden were the only ones killed.

The team then secured his body. They took what was needed to have DNA confirmation that they had the right person. The United States also made clear that the body would be handled in adherence to Islamic law. The body was offered to Saudi Arabia who reportedly did not want it on their soil. One of the strongest traditions is for the body to be laid to rest within 24 hours of death and as a result, Navy personnel buried him at sea this morning.

I have already seen one idiot on social media citing the burial at sea as "proof" that we have not killed the man and that this is a political stunt. One of the drawbacks of living in a democracy is that we tolerate so much idiocy. How can claiming to kill a person who is still alive be a smart political move? All that person has to do is show up in front of a camera with today's paper and we all look like idiots, Grow up crazy people.

Back to bin Laden. He came from a wealthy family. He was apparently very intelligent and charismatic. He gave orders that resulted in the deaths of thousands of people. He intentionally targeted children and women as well as soldiers. Soldiers killed by his followers would have their bodies desecrated and dragged through the streets. He actually gave an order that all Americans should be killed whenever and wherever they are found.

We spent almost 10 years tracking him down and when we did, we targeted him specifically. We tried our best to kill only him and acknowledged that a woman was killed inadvertently. We secured his body and made sure to follow the precepts of his faith to treat that body with respect and dignity that he in no way ever deserved. We made clear that we have no fight with any culture or religion - only those who would kill Americans and our friends and allies. And we made clear that we would pursue anyone who harmed us or our allies for as far as they can ever run and for as long as it will ever take. Which side would you pick?